Catching everyone up!

Wow its been awhile since I have last blogged. I have been mentally and physically tired! I will catch you all up on what has been going on in my life. Also let you all know how my first Mothers Day went!

• Well, I have been physically and emotionally drained these past couple weeks. No one believes that being a stay-at-home-mommy/house-wife, is actually very hard and hard work! But let me tell you IT IS! Also now that Zoe is almost seven months old, its much harder (not that I am complaining) I now have to deal with little or no nap times, teething, and the number one stressing factor my baby-girl has SEPARATION ANXIETY! It seems like every time I go to the other room for five seconds, when I leave her view she starts bawling! Is this normal? I love the fact that my baby loves me, but I also want her to be independent! I really think its an age thing though, I have read to where when they get around this age they want to be around people/things that are familiar and comfort them. I hope its a stage though I really do, because it makes me feel horrible when I leave and she automatically starts crying. It breaks my heart! Other then that Zoe has been doing extremely well, other then the teething and separation anxiety, she is developing great. She is trying to walk, before she crawls! She is sitting up on her own and discovering that she can do things everyday. I am a little bit on edge though as her cardiology appointment approaches. I am sure there is nothing to be concerned about, but when I think about how her appointment is this Friday I feel my heart and the thoughts about to race. I keep thinking "what-if?" "how am I going to deal if there is something abnormal?" I know all normal questions, but they bother me! I just want to "know" that she is fine and I dont have to be having all these "what-if" thoughts! 
• I have to say the past couple weeks have been wonderful ever since I talked to Mitchell and explained to him that some of the things he does and says hurts my feelings, or seem mean to me. Even though he is doing it in a joking manner, it effects me. Since then he has been wonderful, so sweet and caring and just all in all PERFECT! It has definitely made me feel better, and made me feel appreciated in the ways that I so very needed. 
• Mothers Day has been awesome today I have to say! I am not the type of person that I look forward to holidays for gifts! The best gift that I recieved today was a simple one! To have Mitchell and Zoe with me on Mothers Day and it happened, and that is all that I could ever ask for. But Mitchell also did surprise me with my digital camera printer that I have been wanting, and said it was from Zoe. He is soo adorably sweet for surprising me like that. I also got a card as well, it made me cry here's what it said:

when I think of the things daughters usually say to their mothers I think of the obvious ones...

I love you,

I need you,

I want to be like you when I grow up...

Now, I am grown-up, and I have something more I'd like to say-something I think you should know...

I am so proud of you.

you have my deepest respect as well as my love,

and I still want to be like you.

Happy Mothers Day!

 

and he signed it ZOE!

At that moment I thought to myself "Wow I am soo lucky to have a wonderful husband, and my beautiful baby girl" They mean the world to me, and I don't know where I would be with-out either of them. Today wasn't just about "me" as a mother but it was about family and how much they mean. That's what it made me think of, because when your a "mother" you are a family, and that family is what is going to get you through no matter how many tough things pass through LOVE always prevails! And I am glad I have people in my life that love me! 

Daddy and Zoe

My Mothers Day consisted of the two loves of my life!

Could not have asked for a better day!

Life in the works!

Well I have stayed away from blogging so I would not get "writers block" per say, and run out of things to write about. Now is the time that I need to spill, there has been soo much that has been going on, it will be disorganized and out of order, so bear with me here!

• Easter was a great day! It would have been a much better day if Mitchell did not have to work that day and was able to be there! It was a day that he had to work, so I can not complain, but I just do not want Mitchell to miss those holidays, and milestones! I just do not want him to miss when Zoe does the most important things. For example: her crawling, and walking, her eating by herself, you know things as a parent you do not want to miss. He already has missed her saying her first word, and sitting up by herself. I do not want him to quit his job or anything, I just want him to see these moments because they are special, especially to a parent that taking a picture, or getting a video does not do it justice! Got a little "off" topic there but that is something I wanted to share with you all. We really did have a wonderful Easter, even though Mitchell was absent. Had some good food and great time with Zoe's grandparents and also her great grandparents as well! Although she did not do the famous "Easter egg hunt" I think shes just a little too young to do that. She did get the movie Bambi from her Nana though as an  Easter present. 

 Mommy and Zoe

Zoe's First Easter! <3

• here as of lately I seem to be taking things that people say or do very personally! It actually pushes me to the edge to where I start to cry actually the correct word is bawl! I am not sure where it comes from, I have never been that "type" of person to where what people say-or-do gets to that extent of bothering me so very much! I really think, actually I KNOW that it has to do with stress! It seems to where I start questioning myself about if I am doing something right? Or how did I mess this up? Why do I keep thinking I am walking on egg-shells? Then when it gets to the point to where I am beyond stressed out, I just completely shut-down! It all stems from my childhood, where when I had a problem or something bothered me, I kept it inside, and just let it tick away! Until I unleashed the wrath on un-expectant people, that it has nothing to do with! Now that I am older, I have not done that as much, but its still a process that I have to work on and deal with as it comes and I am sure that I will conquer this issue that I have!
• Today I went to the doctor, since I have been having this excruciating pain in my pelvic area, when I go to sleep, and also I know this is going to be a little explicit but when I have intercourse, it feels like my uterus and everything attached is going to rip out of my body! I promise there is a reason why I put this in here! Well I got there and first of all I absolutely despise doctors offices because they take soo long to get you back and the staff are rude half the time! My appointment was at 3:20pm and I did not get into a room until 4:30pm! Well as soon as I got back there and the doctor came in, I had to get checked by ultrasound. I did not know what in the world I was looking at it seemed weird to me since the last ultra-sound I had was with Zoe in my belly. After my ultra-sound the doctor said that I have a CYST on my ovary. Immediately after I heard that my heart just SANK into the pit of my stomach! He said that it looked harmless and will probably go away on its own. But I need to go get an MRI just to make sure, and then go from there to see that if it will go away on its own or something that needs to be surgically removed. The thought of it really scares me, to the point of I almost do not want to get the MRI and get bad news! (Do not worry I am going to get it done!) I am so sick of always having some kind of problem! Why is it always me? When can I just not have to worry about my health? I am 24 I should not have these problems! I will keep you all updated as the time comes!
• On a lighter note, Zoe is mentally and physically developing soo well, to the point to where she is advanced in her developement. She is in the stage of trying to pull up and stand on her own. Trying to skip crawling all together and go straight to walking. She does not like "tummy-time" in the least bit, but loves sleeping on her stomach! Am I the only one that thinks that is weird? haha. She is on second-foods, and finger foods! Loves different textures and sounds! My baby is growing up soo fast! It seems, every-time I blink she is doing or trying something new! She really is my heart, and a prime reason for me maturing soo much! Anything and everything I do is for her and also for Mitchell, they are my first priority in life! 

Well that is all I have for right now! If I think of anything more ill write about it! Also if you have any questions you'd like to ask of me I will answer those too! I have no secrets and will tell you whatever your hearts desired! and this girl is OUT! But I leave you all with this picture! :)

Mommy and Zoe having a staring contest!

(she won!)

That over-whelmed, un-appreciated feeling!

That over-whelmed, under-appreciated feeling!


Before I start off into my blog let me just tell you I do love and appreciate everything my husband does. It's just that kind of day, I guess where things are just kind-of "off" and I'm in this emotional spiral that I can't find my way out of! Well here's a list of what I do and what I get out it!

Here goes nothing...

1. I clean the house, and not your normal everyday just clean I'm talking about grimy clean- what do I get mitchell going behind me and dirtying up the house again in less then 10 minutes, no thank you or the house looks good, I almost have to fish for a compliment. Then the number one thing that really just puts my panties in a wad is that I feel like I am raising two kids, Zoe not even old enough to mess the house up yet, but I got my second kid (my husband) that acts like his hands and legs are broke and can't go simply put a dish in the sink, or throw away a soda can..I find myself going behind him and throwing away his dirty dishes and trash! I know he works alot and like I said I appreciate everything he does, but it does not take that much work to pick up after yourself! I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER! Then I get the primary excuse that he works, and because I am a stay at home mom/wife it's my job REALLY did he just say that to me? Um..it's not my job to pick up your stuff!

2. I feed and change Zoe all the time! Q it almost feels like I have to force him into feeding or change his OWN daughter! I should not have to force/bargain with you, you should WANT to do this! I DO with no complaints! I know it's not because he don't love or care for her, because he does! He just has this thought in his head that mommy is here for the hard work, and daddy is here for FUN! Oh and did I mention I also give her baths all the time, you know I couldn't even tell you the last time he gave her a bath!

3. I don't even try to cook because when I do all I get is a whole bunch of criticism about how I am not doing something right, and he ends up taking over!

This is not in anyway to bash or presume that Mitchell is a bad husband/father in anyway! He is great with Zoe and he does take care of her and I. I think that I spoiled him because I do do everything, and he's just comfortable with it now!

All I want is a little understanding and APPRECIATION!

Sometimes I just get to the point to where I just want to scream out loud, and see if anyone cares...but I know that won't matter.

I want some time to myself to where I can just relax and do absolutely NOTHING and know and not have to worry if the house is going to be a wreck, or worry that Zoe isn't on the schedule that I have her on! Yes I get to go to the grocery by myself but really that's a hassle and a stress inducer as well bobbing-and-weaving through rude people, and get home to have to lug all the groceries up the stairs by myself!

I know it's not good to keep this all bottled up inside and that I should talk to friends and family! I am just not that kind of PERSON to just spill my whole issues out onto people because I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, or things that bother me..everyone has their own lives and issues, and I never want to add to it.

I am also really tired of people assuming that since I don't have a job that all I do is watch tv all day, and eat... I DON'T contrary to popular belief being a housewife/mommy is a twenty-four/ seven job. I wouldn't trade my life for all the wealth in the world, because I love my daughter and my husband with every fiber of my being !

I just want to know that I am respected, and appreciated for what I do, and not get criticized, for what I don't do or what I don't do right! I am not perfect, and no one is!

Thanks for listening...

Sincerely yours
Over-whelmed and un-appreciated!

My daughter is STRONG..

Well I know that I spoke about my daughter Zoe's heart defect. It has really been affecting me, although I try not to show it. It's not the fact that she has a defect, that bothers me as much. Its the fact of the matter that Its the questions that bother me and also the main reason being that her pediatric cardiologist appointment is May 15th which feels like it is light years away! I want to know that this is a "hurdle" that she will get over and that her heart murmur is "innocent" and will go away on its own, as her peditrician was so optimistic about!

Today I realized something though "Zoe is such a strong girl" She is always so, happy and getting bigger everyday, when she went to the doctor she is 19 pounds, is sitting up on her own, and learning new things everyday like realizing what things are, and what kinds of noises they make, that you would never know she even had a "abonormality" She honestly astounds me everyday, and makes me the proudest mother everyday! I have now realized she will get over this! Her doctor told me that he is really optimistic that it will go away on its own, because she is doing so wonderful in her growth and developement. Which comforts me a great deal! She is like her father because when he was a baby, about or around her age he also was diagnosed with an "innocent" heart murmur and he grew out of his, and she is so much like her daddy, that it helps me feel better as well. I Just want her to be happy, and grow, and prosper into the wonderful person I know and will be. No mother wants to be told of anything that could be/is wrong with their child. When I was told that she had her abnormality, it honestly felt as if my heart had been ripped out and stomped on! But I know that my Zoe is strong, and will get through this, I have all the faith in the world that she will!

That is the update on her status!

Today was a good day spent with family! Went to Mitchell's parents and ate lunch, and just hung out and Zoe spent some time with her grandparents. She is so lucky to have grandparents, as I grew up my grandparents passed when I was a child. I never had the luxury, of seeing my grandparents. I am greatful and blessed that she has both of hers! Also sometime this week Mitchell, Zoe, and I are going to go to San Marcos, to the outlet malls. I think it will be a great 'FAMILY TIME" for all of us. It will be Zoe's first "real" outting and I can not wait!


Sometimes I think that people get bored of reading my blog, because all I seem to talk about is my daughter and my husband! But truth be told I could really care less, because my daughter, and husband are a major part of my life, and my life and world revolves around them both! I want us to be a close family, as when I was growing up I never had a close "family". I have a mother that I hold close to my heart and I am VERY VERY close too, but I never had a true family dynamic, so this is what I strive for and if you can't seem to understand this, then do not read my blog. I mean really you are not breaking my heart in the least! Its honestly soothing to get things out, even if it is written on the web. For all the people that have been (ARE) there for me I thank you all very much! It really does mean an awful lot to me!


Well that is it for tonight folks... I WILL BE BACK!

Just want to make sure my baby is ok!

Today has been a LONG day it all started out with Zoe's doctors appointment, at 10am it started out like any normal time I would take her to the doctor. She got checked out by the nurse and she is doing absolutely GREAT she is doing very good in her weight, and her height, and she is in the top percentile in her development! Then her Peditrician came in and checked her out listened to her heart, lungs, ears, eyes, mouth, nose all the normal things and he said she is doing wonderful, and I was feeling great. Then he was like BUT, you know I really hate that word BUT it's always a term that people make others feel good then go completely down to horrible feeling. Anyways he was like BUT I "heard vibrations in her heart that makes me believe that she has a heart murmur! After I heard this I felt a knot in my throat and the tears start to well up in my eyes, but I didn't want to bust out crying in the doctors office but inside I was dying! He said that it's not one that he was concerned about that it was an "innocent" heart murmur, and that chances are that it is going to heal as she gets older. As he was speaking I could hear what he was saying but the thoughts were racing through my mind. "why?" "what did I do wrong?" "could I have done to prevent this?" then the questions quickly turned into blaming myself, even though he said it was "innocent" no mother wants to hear that their baby has any kind of defect! In the middle of all this I was listening to him and he said to make sure I want to refer you to a pediatric cardiologist. Then he said he would send a referral, and at this point. I wanted to get out of there, I just wanted to cry!

I have had the doctor and Mitchell tell me "don't worry about it she will be fine!" it helped, it really did but I can't seem to get it out of my head! So the doctor called and told me which doc to call and I quickly called and made her the first appointment! The first available one was may 15th.. How was I supposed to wait that long? I am trying to be stronger and not break down, and know that everything is going to be ok! But I don't...I just want my baby to be ok! I just hope that when we do go, that she will be ok! I just don't know what I will do if there was anything wrong with her! She's very special to me! I love her so much! I am going to pray to god that it heals its self and that my babygirl don't have to go through anything because she doesn't deserve it! She's done soo much to change me for the better and each day that I wake up to her smiling face makes my days just that much brighter!

I haven't told alot of people but I just wanted to get this out it's been on my mind all day long! And I cannot seem to get it to go away! So please pray and hope that it is something that is going to last and that it's what the doctor said and it's "innocent" and will go away on it's own! Please! I'll be doing the same thing!

LIFE AND A BEAUTIFUL BABY.

I haven't blogged in a couple days I figured I would take some time off to collect my thoughts, that way I could get thoughts, and what I have been up to out there!

• My beautiful princess Zoe is 6 months old today! I could not be anymore proud then what I am today. She has grown, and grown so much in the past six months. She just continues to amaze me every single day! I know she was a blessing brought to Mitchell and I. I remember everything from when I found out I was pregnant with her to when I found out that I was having a girl, to giving birth, and bringing my precious baby girl home! She has made me such a better person, and made our family complete! To give you an update on her milestones that she has met:

 This is from birth until  now!

1. Searches for me or Mitchell in any room, with people or without.
2. Knows mommy, and daddy's voice/touch.
3. Started discovering her hands.
4. Rolls from her back to her stomach, and rolls from her stomach to her back.
5. Said her first word (MAMA)
6. Started sitting up supported.
7. Mimics people as they talk.
8. Getting her first tooth.
9. Laugh/Smiled
10. Plays and interacts with her toys.
11. Discovered that she can splash in the bathtub.
12. Pulls up on my fingers.
13. Trying to sit up on her own by doing mini-baby crunches!
14. Knows how to put her paci back in her mouth.
15. Is trying to hold her own bottle (she's not quite there just yet!)

These are her milestones she has reached up to date they are out-of-order. She is what makes me wake up smiling in the morning, and what makes me smile before I go to sleep at night! Mitchell always says that I'm crazy because I always count down when she is going to be a certain month, (which is all of them) but that is my baby girl how could I not be excited, that's like saying not to be happy that we got married, or about the other wonderful things that have happened to me! I have always thought I am destined to be a MOMMY I love kids and I love waking up Miss Zoe everyday, I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to her! Her and Mitchell are what I live and breath for! I would like to have more kids, but not for a couple years I want to spend this time to bond with her, and love on her, and be devoted to her, until she is old enough to understand what is going on ( not to go into details about it, but for her to at least not think I am abandoning her, or that I don't love her as much, or less!) Then I will think about adding to the family, I would like to have a boy, but I will say exactly what I told everyone when I was pregnant with Zoe I don't care if I have a boy or girl. As long as the baby is happy and healthy, that's all that matters to me! Zoe is such a GREAT baby, she always has been ever since she was born!

Well I think that I have dotted on her enough, that people can't stand to read anymore. I will go to my weekend last weekend. It was a awesome weekend I have to say. Mitchell and I had a craw-fish boil to attend to (his co-worker, and friend invited us to it several months ago) So Mitchell and I asked for his mother to watch her and with no hesitation she said "of-course". We dropped her off, it was easier then the last time, since she already stayed over night with her Nana, and did wonderful! I gave her like 50 million kisses and I love yous before we left. The craw-fish was in New Braunfels, which is about an hour away from us, and it was a good drive, Mitchell and I just talked and laughed. Got there and I was a bit nervous I would have to say (I didn't know anyone there, not even Mitchell's co-worker) Mitchell didn't want to leave my side for fear, he thought that I wouldn't have fun, but I told him not to worry about me ill be fine! So he meandered off, and I was just enjoying the music, and food, the alcohol wasn't bad either ( I stopped drinking about a year before I got pregnant, got burnt out! Now I remember why I did I felt miserable the next morning! ) It was very very hot and humid! I sweat in places I didn't know that I could (yep I know TMI) but that's how hot it was. My first thought "Thank god I didn't bring Zoe, she would have been absolutely miserable!" Because I was going to bring her if her grand-parents could not take her but all-in-all it turned out wonderful. It was just what I needed, not that I wanted to get away from my baby, just that I needed some quality time with-out a baby attached to me! (EVERY mother needs that! for her own sanity, no matter how much you love your kids!) I was very excited when we got her though, we ate and came home. Had some quality mommy/daddy/Zoe time!

It's times like those that make my day extra special to see Mitchell love and play with Zoe makes me love him so much more! He is such a wonderful daddy to her! He is a wonderful man in general!

I have done so much, and devoted myself to them. I feel like god has blessed me with the two wonderful gifts in life and I could not ask for anything more! Life is AWESOME right now and no-one or anything can bring me down!

She sure is mommy's PRINCESS!

and a gorgeous one!

Relationship that will last a lifetime...

Just to take a time-out for just one moment... I know that I seem to just ramble on and on about how my life is so very wonderful. Truth be told it is, and I had to go through a lot of heartache, and hardship to get to this very point in my life. For those who assume that they know me, or do not even really know me at all will cringe to the fact of the things in my life that I have had to endure. It took a major effect in my life and made me a very high-strung, closed minded person that never let anyone in. I did it to the fact that I do not like to make myself vulnerable to getting hurt. I am a strong, tough, very independent person!

Before I met Mitchell, I was still that person. He changed me, well he made me want to change. He showed nothing short of love and respect for me. I could tell him things that I couldn't even really speak with my mother about. That to me speaks volumes, he was the only person that I actually "let in" to actually see that through the tough outer exterior that I show, that I have feeling, and emotions. He loved me through everything and through all of my faults. I have been mentally, physically, and emotionally abused in my life. I will not go through the details.. But I carried it with me, for the longest time and resented myself into thinking maybe me being here on earth was a fatal "mistake". I am not one to ever hurt myself physically, but emotionally I beat myself everyday. I struggled to find my place in life, somewhere I felt that I belonged!

I often threw myself into the worst relationships, not saying that I went from men to men every other week, as my last relationship lasted for six years. Remember this is all before I even met or knew of my husband. Anyways my last relationship was good at first then the longer we were together we resented each other! Mainly I resented him because he never let me just "BREATH" and was a very jealous and insecure person. I hate when people question my motives and he did that quite often, but I dealt with it because we were together for so long. How could I just start over? The relationship I knew was unhealthy, but I kept going with it, until it got very rough. I do not tolerate cheating for any reason, and he broke my number one cardinal rule NOT TO CHEAT! I never felt so betrayed or disrespected in my life until that very point, I have anger problems but I have my morals and want to be treated with respect! That was the end of that, I will never forgive that level of betrayal from anyone. So I made a promise to myself that I would find someone that will respect me and never betray me ever, it took some time and also took just a little more time for me to get my life back in order.

When Mitchell and I met I considered myself a "BROKEN" person. Through all that, I also had some major health issues, that alot of people til this day do not know about. I don't like to bring it up, it was an awful part of my past, and took me a while to get over it. Mitchell was one of the main people that I shared my health problems to, he embraced me in a way that I never expected anyone to. He wanted me to be better, he could see through to my heart and knew that how I was, was because what I have been through. Until this day aside from Mitchell I have never "fully" opened up to what has happened to me in the past, because from past experiences I have been hurt, been called a liar, all the above. So after all that I closed completely down, because I should never have to prove myself of the pain that I have been through. I hide my scars, and remove myself from all the bad things. I go to a different place that makes it all better. I cry at night when I am sad, mad or all the above I am a normal person!

Take it from me you never want to have to get to that point in your life. It sticks with you and affects your everyday life, no matter how much you try to avoid it. The pain is always there, the scars will be there as well as an everyday reminder, but I embrace it and move on towards the future. Even the most fragile glass can be repaired after being broken. I still have things to overcome, but for now I am in a great part of my life. I have what I need and what I have been blessed with!

Never take your relationship for granted, and take the time for you and your husband/wife, or your significant other. The more communication you have with that person and you take some time for yourselves the better your relationship will evolve.

A RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, IS A RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL LAST A LIFE TIME...