So very exhausted...

Today has been a very exhausting day to say the least! Woke up very early! and it is almost 12am and I still can not go to sleep! Zoe has been extremely fussy, and fighting her sleep for the past three days! My baby is cutting her FIRST tooth! I am so excited that she is getting her first tooth, but also very ready for it to come on in! I hate to see my pretty princess in PAIN! Other then that, its the daily ritual of washing bottles, changing diapers, feeding bottles and solids, housework, laundry, and going to get Mitchell and I food. Yes we eat out all the time but personally if I don't want to eat my own food I am not going to force Mitchell to eat it too! lol (yes I am that bad of a COOK!) I have burnt toast, if that tells you how bad of a cook I am.  Anyways so the week is going to be longer because although I don't have much to do tomorrow, I have to go get the oil changed in the car on Friday! I am sick of seeing OIL MAINTENANCE REQUIRED on my display! and it beeps every time I get in and out of the car! Very ANNOYING! Also have to go get Zoe some more diapers, she goes through them like they are made of paper towels! Then mine and Mitchell's one year wedding anniversary is Saturday and my moms side of the family is having a early Easter. Have to go to that first then drop Miss Zoe off at her grandparents house and she is staying the night with them, then Mitchell will be celebrating our wedding anniversary! :) I am so very excited!

Well that's IT for the night time to sit back and relax and watch some tv! GOOD NIGHT blog world!

BIG SMILE FOR MOMMY!

Today was great!

Today was a good DAY! Didn't o anything special, just spent the day with Mitchell (my wonderful husband) and Miss Zoe! Although Zoe had been fussy today, I still had a good day. Today was the day that I realized why Mitchell and I are so perfect for each other. Although we do have our "husband & wife" fights we quickly get over them. I know I seem to talk about Mitchell and Zoe a lot, but they are a MAJOR part of my life. These are the reasons why I talk about them both so much.

• They both made me so much stronger
• They have made me more mature
• They have made me love unconditionally
• They have made me more patient
• They have taken me out of my defensive shell

I have the "life" I always wanted! I have a family that has changed me for the greater good. Mitchell has been my rock through everything! From the very instant that I met him I knew that we were destined to be TOGETHER, that god brought him into my life to help me through all the trials through out my life and to help me be a better person! As I have said as of Saturday April 2, 2011 we will be married for one year, and that will be one of many more to come. I am HAPPY.. It took me a while to get there only because of my severe depression issues, but when I am around my husband and my baby girl, all that seems to fade away!

My Zoe is going to be six months old in about two-weeks. She just keeps growing up! I remember when I had her and I was in recovery after my c-section with her Mitchell brought her in to me. I held her for the first time and just looked at her in such amazement, from then I vowed that anything and everything I did was for her and Mitchell's benefit!

Well that's all I got for the night! Thanks for reading, and I will be BACK!!

Zoe Ann Marie

3/29/2011 Bath time! 

Love this gorgeous face! :)

Depression equals no GOOD...

Well it's been a while since I've wrote I have been away. I recently went to visit my mother because I have been extremely stressed and it's not the " Oh I am a house-wife, mother" so that is the reason why I am so stressed. Well to give you all the "down-low" I have struggled with depression pretty much all my life. It turns my world up side down, to say at the very least. It does not affect my parenting capabilities, or anything towards Zoe in any sort of negative way. It affects my everyday life, I really should get back on my medication. I have to go to the doctor, since I haven't been on my medicine since I got pregnant. A lot of people thinks "oh I am constantly sad" so I must be depressed! Its more then that. Heres an insight into my depression.

• Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough for the life that I have.
• Sometimes i just don't want to get out of the bed.
• My mind always races. The thoughts that race through my mind never tend to go away, and I feel like I am a CRAZY person.
• I always feel as if what I do is not good enough, and that I could do more.

Those are just SOME of what I go through everyday. Its not so cut and dry. Its hard, and it bothers me I try so hard to be happy it just seems like my mind and body don't want me to be. I feel as if it affects others amongst me, and that I bring them down. It's not an easy thing to go through by yourself but I have an absolute hard time reaching out and expressing what I feel for fear that someone will get to close, and eventually I just get hurt in the end. The only person, I was close to since I was born was my mother. Now that i have a family of my own I want to be strong and happy. I don't want to have issues of letting someone get too close to me. I have a list of wants, and truth is you can "want" all you would like. Sometimes you don't get what you "want". You get what you work for and earn. I feel lucky! I do have a wonderful husband, and an absolutely gorgeous 5 1/2 month old daughter. Wouldn't trade either of them for the world, but I need to learn to open up and to not let things bother me soo much. But how do you do this? When you have struggled with it for a majority of your life span! I am going to MAKE CHANGES! Go another route, and try and get away from the "OLD" me.

I need to LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE...

Other then that my trip to see my mother was all in all a good one. Got to see my mother and hang out with her and just "talk" and to let her see and love on Miss Zoe,  also got to see some friends! Got to have dinner with Miss Morgan, and it was awesome to just get out and talk to her since she knows what I am going through. We also seem to have similar values and morals, and I know she'd been wanting to see zoe so had to bring my gorgeous princess! I had a great time Morgan, and like I said we will be definitely be having lunch/dinner again! Also had lunch with Candis, she's also a very good friend and it was great as well my mother babysat Zoe while I went with her although I missed my princess, it was relaxing and got to talk about what was going on in our worlds! Mostly "MOMMY" talk haha. 

THATS IT FOR TONIGHT FOLKS GOOD-NIGHT!

PS... I turn twenty-four tomorrow. Wow I feel like I am getting OLD!

I get to see my mommy tomorrow!

I am soo excited I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight! I get to see my MOMMY tomorrow! Me and my mother are so very close and truth be told its very hard to be so far away from her.. She has been with me through everything and she has never been away from me for my birthday so I am packing mine and Zoe's bags and we are headed up there for her to see grandma and for me to see my mom for an early birthday! Going to see her is my birthday gift i couldn't ask for anything more.

For those who know me know my story about why my mother and I are so close and for those who don't here's a short version!

1. She raised me and my older brother growing up because my father was never around (he was a driver)
2. She has always respected my decisions no matter what impact they have made.
3. I can always talk to her, without thinking that she will get upset with me or judge me in anyway..
4. She knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and to smile.
5. She is such an inspiration to me in so many ways..(for those of you who don't know my mother is deaf) and she has been through some hard times and she is much stronger from it! 

Those are some of the reasons why me and my mother are so close. Truth be told the list could go on and on! Also I get to go see some of my friends! I am really excited about that, although I do love being around Mitchell and taking care of my Zoe I just don't talk to anyone anymore and I want to be around someone to talk to! I am pretty lonely around here since Mitchell does shift work 12 hour shifts days and nights. I get pretty stressed when all I do is housework, cook, take care of the baby, go to the grocery store, and pay bills. I take it all in stride though and I am going to take advantage of going to my mothers to have someone to talk to and see some good friends!

• Morgan we are definitely going to have to get some lunch/dinner just so you know, so I can meet Mr. Mason and you can meet Miss Zoe FINALLY ha ha!
• Natalie I am going to come and visit you as well so you can see Zoe, and we can catch up!
• Also Candis I want to see you too!
• And all my other friends, that have kept in touch since I have moved, had a baby, and got married, and don't act as if I got the plague!

So there fore I am so excited! This is going to be a good trip! I just know it! I love my friends and family! :)

Just another Tuesday!

Today is going to be one of those "off" days, not knowing why, I just assume that it will be!

• Woke up today, continuing my same routine that goes through out the day! Woke up to Zoe just talking up a storm. Got up got a bottle ready, as well as a diaper and her wipes. Changed Zoe's diaper and fed her a 10 ounce bottle! My baby is a good eater, as I've been told...Found out something new last night that little miss Zoe loves, when I am getting her ready for a bath she loves her bare belly blowed on. She loves it, makes her giggle and laugh so loud! 
• This morning after I put Zoe down for a nap, I gave her, her paci (she loves her paci) looked over at her and she took her paci out as she always does! Was looking at it, and was continuously trying to put it back in her mouth. She got CLOSE...Then put it in sideways and started sucking on it! She makes me laugh! haha
• Today is my follow up appointment, for my jaw and let me tell you I am not looking foward to going to the dentist. I absolutely hate well hate is a harsh word I extremely DISLIKE doctors. It should be fine, since all they are going to do is take more x-rays and check and make sure my jaw in aligned, but its just the thought of going to the doctor. I have no clue as to why it happens but my stomach always goes into knots, when I walk into the doors to any doctors office. I need to get it done though, ready to get it over with!
• I have no clue why but I have been very moody lately! Anything and EVERYTHING just irritates me to no end! Even just the minor things, just aggravate me and truth be told I just don't know why? Zoe isn't one of those people/things that irritate me...Shes what calms my nerves in a matter of speaking. I wont go into full detail on what what bothers me, because it is quite the long list, just figured I would share.
• Why does it seem as if everytime I clean my house that five seconds later, it looks like a tornando just hit it? Am I the only person with this issue? Does anyone experience this? Maybe it's because of having a baby, or maybe its because of my HUSBAND, going behind me and messing things up again haha. 
• Today is a pretty day, although a little windy its actually quite nice. I can't wait until I can take Zoe to the park and enjoy the day with-out being cooped up in this house. Call it lazy but it takes alot of effort to get a baby out of the house IM NOT COMPLAINING! This is the reason why my stroller stays in the car, so I don't have an extra piece of equipment to lug down the stairs. 
• Next week I am going to up Zoe on her solids, to twice a day the first solid with juice and not formula. She is starting to eat a lot more. We are going to start putting her in the bouncer to entertain her self as well, though she hates it I think once I keep putting her into it she will come around. When Zoe turns six months old I will begin to teach her how to hold her own bottle, so she can stay on track. Also I think she will be sitting up on her own SOON! She is already trying so hard, with out success but she keeps trying so I look for her to be sitting up and pulling up within the month. I will keep you all updated! Also I will be trying to transition her to her crib, she doesn't really like it because the mattress is hard, I just don't want her to get used to the playpen (that's where she sleeps as of now) but if she does not take well to the crib, ill continue on placing her into the playpen.

That is all for today folks! 

Just hanging out!

Don't mind my mess on the table! :)

Another Day: A day of thoughts...

I have alot on my mind today it seems, so in order to get it all out I thought I would share!

1. I want to thank miss Morgan for being such a doll and fixing up my blog for me! She took time out of her day and she made it special for me. So this is my personal "Thank You" Morgan! :) You are a wonderful friend and I am glad we got back in touch since High School! 
2. I am so not looking forward to my birthday which is next Monday, exactly one week from today. Its just a constant reminder that I am that one step towards getting older! On a lighter note, the older I get the more I see my life changing and see myself maturing everyday, so that's got to be a good thing right?
3. I cannot wait until my little Zoe will be SIX MONTHS OLD! Which that'll be on April 12th. I just cant wait until she reaches her milestones. She is one of my meanings in life and why I have changed so much. I would most definitely not know what I would do without her in my life! For those who have loved and lost or never experienced having a precious child, I am deeply saddened and deeply touched... I have read many stories about people losing their innocent babies at such a young age due to no fault of their own, and makes me so sad. They don't deserve it in the least bit. Its changed me, I have learned to be not so selfish, and petty and not to take anything in life for granted, especially my beautiful Zoe. It's inspired me to be the BEST mom that I CAN BE! I cherish every moment with my princess, hold her tight, and give her all the kisses she can handle! :) I also pray for her, and for all the others who have loved and lost. I have never been the person to pray per say or to look to god, but now I am trying to get into it and live my life the right way.
4. I never realized how hard it would be to live an hour and fifteen minutes away from my parents, although I am extremely independent, my mother means ALOT to me! She has raised me, through the trials and tribulations of her own life, to be the person that I am today! I will always appreciate her for the wonderful mother she has and always will be!
5. I think I have the baby blues, or something around that nature. I have a beautiful five month old. I feel as if everyone around me is having more babies, or having their first. I want to have more kids, but as of right now its just too SOON! Mitchell and I have talked about more kids and decided to wait until Zoe is at least over one year old.  I now realized I was destined to be a mother, I just was not very happy with my old life working all the time and doing the immature things that I have. 
6. I really hate that I have anxiety issues... It makes my life that much harder. I worry about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! Is this normal? I know that I worry, but I do not want to be one of those VERY over-protective mothers! That don't/won't even let their child play in the dirt due to germs! I am already addicted to germ-x... What next???
7. Mitchell and I's one year wedding anniversary is approaching very fast! Its in two-weeks, it's hard to believe that it's only been a year, it feels like its been a lifetime with him. Not saying this in a bad way! I know that he is my soul-mate, and love him with every fiber of my being! Time just seems to fly by. I am looking foward to April 2nd, 2011 ( Our wedding anniversary) to being with him and actually getting to go somewhere TOGETHER! I am NOT looking foward to being with-out my Zoe for a night though! It'll be my first night with-out her I just hope I don't have n anxiety attack, or a nervous break-down! Not to say I don't trust her grandparents, it's like I said I've never been a night without her! I think I have separation anxiety?! I'm sure we will see though, wish me LUCK!
8. I really need to find a HOBBY! Although blogging works and keeps me semi-sane, I feel as if I need a concrete hobby. For example : jewelery making, crafts, fabrics, making candles. A few to name, I just don't seem to have the time to really have time to myself and do this (NOT COMPLAINING) I am just always busy with Zoe, house-work, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, or whatever else comes up! 
9. Ive been having these weird dreams lately! i often wonder if dreams are a meaning of whats to come? That is what I have been told. If so then wow, I really hope not! 
10. I have such great friends and family. I would give them the shirt off my back! Then you have the occasional, someone that PRETENDS to be your "friend" then talks about you behind your back. I have no time or patience for that. I would rather have "A couple or non-good friends, versus fifty crappy friends"! Also I decided that I am going to be getting my 14th tattoo not to sure when? But I do know what of, I know everyone has their child's name or at the very least wants to get a tattoo of their child's name or something of that nature. I am going to change mine up though. Not concrete ideas, but some that are unique in the way it isn't repetative in other name tattos!

Well these are my thoughts of today, I know kind of random. Although blogging about it gives me a release. Makes people see a little bit more into me and why I am the way I am. So I always seem to leave you all with a picture I will leave you with another one! Can't break tradition now...

She makes me smile...

"Never take for granted the precious life you been blessed with"

Today has been a day of questioning as I look down onto my beautiful princess Zoe, smiling as she looks and gazes right into my eyes and laughs with her innocent laugh! Bear with me, as this will seem like it's all over the place.

I have only been on the blogspot for a little over a month. It is my voice, to my strength, weakness, love, and life it's self in its most intimate stage. I've read some of the most devastating tragedies on here, and stories about loss. Though I've never been through this loss, and hope that I never forsee this as well. I wanted to take a time out and express, my opinions, thoughts, and questions.

Everyday everyone is either finding out they are pregnant, or giving birth. The true meaning of life evolves through your children. So why do some of the most innocent, have to experience this loss, through no fault of their own? I am not saying that I have been the best friend, or person in the past. Although I have learned through my faults, and grew stronger from them. My daughter has made me to try and be the best person, to be for me and as well for her. Though I don't take any day or moment that I get to spend with Zoe for granted, I feel as though some people do. I'm not trying to make anyone out to be a bad mother, to make myself seem as "Mother Teresa" though some people I feel as if they should not be bless with such a wonderful gift, as to bring a innocent child into the world. I am not a judgemental person by any means, some people just make me wonder. To take care of an child from birth is a 24/7 job, and not by any means just a part-time mother, or a means to show that you can procreate. I know this is going to get a little controversial, I have to speak my mind though. Why do the people that take care of their child to the fullest extent, and love their child unconditionally have to sometimes suffer the loss of their innocent baby? When there are mothers out there that only want the child as, a tax write off, or just to simply have their baby as an "accessory" A real mother takes care of the child, on a day to day bases and not just simply when they want to. A real mother lives, and breaths for their child, making sure no harm to come to them. A real mother stays up with the baby when he/she cant sleep, wakes up at those 3am feedings, without complaint, and loves and holds their baby/child through illnesses, and lets them know they are safe when they are around you. As I said I am not being jusgemental of anyone and their situation, there are things that arise that you cannot control i.e: working, child-care, non-planned pregnancy, to name a few. I am sure you get what I am getting around to, but it's just an observation. Never take anyday with your baby/child for granted and learn from past experiences and someones life stories, and love your child unconditionally, and not complain about other issues in your life that are so "little" I have those moments to where I do complain. I for one second do not take any moment of my life for granted though, and know that with things that you have experienced in the past "Only makes you stronger in the end".

God has a plan for everyone that is born, may it be to touch people, even if it is for a short while, or to make you as the parent or guardian, or just a stranger a better person in the end. Every life has a meaning no matter how long they stay!

Now that I have went on my rant, its time to think, think about all the ones that have issues with fertility, that can-not have children of their own, someone that has lost a child, and/or experienced some type of strife. As you think of this don't all your problems seem like such a minor issue? Like I said this is all over the place, but I've been thinking about this for some weeks, and I had to let it all spill out on to this blog. For anyone and everyone that is around/amongst children, or have their own, please take that extra time to spend, with your little one, love, hold and kiss your baby/child. For your baby/child is what the future will be!

I leave you with this LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE! The three words that I live by!

Zoe Ann Marie Simmons

10-12-10

She is what I live and breath for!