Questions?

Today has been one of those days that i've questioned every aspect of my life! I hate it when I do this. Ive always been the type of person that have been stereotyped I should say, I often wondered how I could have prevented that? Ive made mistakes in the past that ive questioned myself constantly about how i could have thought it out and how could I have done it differently? Would it have made the out-come a little different? Ugh...I hate questioning myself, makes me feel vulnerable for people to have an insight into my life and realize not everything has been all peachy as its been masked to be! What purpose do I serve? I feel as if I haven't really accomplished as much as I believe that I could have. I know I am smart, just not in a book-smart kind of way. Why cant people see that? Why do people have to hold grudges for so long? Only to find out life is way to short to be mad at someone. How many people have I hurt, when I have done something out of stupidity? Don't get me wrong I love my husband and my daughter with every breath I take, I just wonder if I take life and people that are in my life for granted? How can I change this? How can I change all the terrible things that have happened to me in the past to where I don't have to be reminded everyday of my life? Am I really a terrible person? Will I be a good mother? Am i a bad friend, it just seems like sometimes I don't know anymore! I just don't see it, i've changed myself for the better, to not be the person that I used to be when I was young... You know stupid, forgiving, too nice, talking about people behind their backs, spreading rumors, lying...all the high school stuff that you go through to break through to the true person that is there...The one that no one had a clue that was actually there because of a facade. Do people forgive? Isn't life a little too short, to well lets quote "forgive and forget?" I grew up, why don't the people that matter the most see this?

I have no clue as to why I keep questioning myself I sometimes feel as if I am all alone in the world, with no friends beside me because I push people away. Why do I push people away, and keep them at arms length? Why cant I let people in and let them see the true side of me? The one that no one often gets to see? Which is in all reality if people would stop going off assumptions, and things that they have "heard" you'd realize I have changed and it's all because of one well two people and that would be my daughter and my husband (Mitchell). Why cant people see that through the tough exterior there is a lonely, sweet fun-loving, willing to give the shirt of my back if you needed it, mature, not so high strung person? Why do I often feel defensive? Why do I feel like I have to prove myself to people? When it gets me absolutely no where at all.


                                      Why do I always question myself?