Well it's been a while since I've wrote I have been away. I recently went to visit my mother because I have been extremely stressed and it's not the " Oh I am a house-wife, mother" so that is the reason why I am so stressed. Well to give you all the "down-low" I have struggled with depression pretty much all my life. It turns my world up side down, to say at the very least. It does not affect my parenting capabilities, or anything towards Zoe in any sort of negative way. It affects my everyday life, I really should get back on my medication. I have to go to the doctor, since I haven't been on my medicine since I got pregnant. A lot of people thinks "oh I am constantly sad" so I must be depressed! Its more then that. Heres an insight into my depression.
- Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough for the life that I have.
- Sometimes i just don't want to get out of the bed.
- My mind always races. The thoughts that race through my mind never tend to go away, and I feel like I am a CRAZY person.
- I always feel as if what I do is not good enough, and that I could do more.
Those are just
SOME of what I go through everyday. Its not so cut and dry. Its hard, and it bothers me I try so hard to be happy it just seems like my mind and body don't want me to be. I feel as if it affects others amongst me, and that I bring them down. It's not an easy thing to go through by yourself but I have an absolute hard time reaching out and expressing what I feel for fear that someone will get to close, and eventually I just get hurt in the end. The only person, I was close to since I was born was my mother. Now that i have a family of my own I want to be strong and happy. I don't want to have issues of letting someone get too close to me. I have a list of wants, and truth is you can "want" all you would like. Sometimes you don't get what you "want". You get what you work for and earn. I feel lucky! I do have a wonderful husband, and an absolutely gorgeous 5 1/2 month old daughter. Wouldn't trade either of them for the world, but I need to learn to open up and to not let things bother me soo much. But how do you do this? When you have struggled with it for a majority of your life span! I am going to
MAKE CHANGES! Go another route, and try and get away from the
"OLD" me.
I need to LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE...
Other then that my trip to see my mother was all in all a good one. Got to see my mother and hang out with her and just "talk" and to let her see and love on Miss Zoe, also got to see some friends! Got to have dinner with Miss Morgan, and it was awesome to just get out and talk to her since she knows what I am going through. We also seem to have similar values and morals, and I know she'd been wanting to see zoe so had to bring my gorgeous princess! I had a great time Morgan, and like I said we will be definitely be having lunch/dinner again! Also had lunch with Candis, she's also a very good friend and it was great as well my mother babysat Zoe while I went with her although I missed my princess, it was relaxing and got to talk about what was going on in our worlds! Mostly "MOMMY" talk haha.
THATS IT FOR TONIGHT FOLKS GOOD-NIGHT!
PS... I turn twenty-four tomorrow. Wow I feel like I am getting OLD!
Aww it makes me sad to see a good friend feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteI've had depression for about 7 years now, it took forever to find the right meds and when I finally did I got pregnant and had to switch yet again to something more safer during pregnancy. They put me on Zoloft and I've been on it since I was pregnant with Mason. Last year it started to not work as good anymore because I found myself getting depressed and crying over nothing, that's how I knew my body was getting immune to it and it wasn't working..so they doubled my dose and I feel much better. The best advice I can give you is to get on meds...they really do help, even if it's only temporary. I'm always here if you need to talk girl, you know my number and my bedtime LOL..so call me when you need me!
I had a great time at dinner with you too..we agree on everything when it comes to parenting and marriage, it was so nice to visit with you! Def. will make it happen next time too! :)
Yea girl! Ive been on anti-depressants going on 5 years had to stop when I got pregnant with Zoe and I just haven't gone back to the doctor yet to get back on them! I need too... Thank you girl I know your there! You always have been and thanks! I really do consider you a very good friend! I love that we both have the same morals, values and out look on parenting, and marriage. I usually have a hard time connecting with others, because they have a total diffrent outlook on life then I so I think its great that we share that! I thought it was great to hang out with ya! Ill let you know next time I come into town so that we can get together again! :)
ReplyDeleteNatalie! Yea I hate taking pills everyday too but, if you need to to help with the stress and all that I think it would be a great thing! Thank you soo much for saying I am a great mommy! it means alot to me! :) We will definitely get together nxt time I am in town, the timing is always off when I get there haha.. Last time was just soo many issues with my moms car being broke down and all that, and Mitchell having the car, so I had no way of going anywhere! When I know ill be coming down there again ill txt you and we will have to make some plans to get together! Maybe you, morgan, and I can get together or something! I will let you know! PROMISE! :)